Already got asked if we're dating
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
