I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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