Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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