Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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