Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
