we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
