I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
