Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize