I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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