I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
