I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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