Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
