I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
