in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The air taste purple.
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