If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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