Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Houston, we have a squirter
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
