i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
