I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
