Where is the hickey?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
