One girl and one boy is just not enough.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
