Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
