apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
