I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
