dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
