so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
