the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The air was thick with penises
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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