I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
