Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
