nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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