Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
