I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize