My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She has the best kind of daddy issues
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
