hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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