do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
