I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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