I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
