i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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