I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
