i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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