Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
