remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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