She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
