oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
