you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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