Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize