I just threw up on my dentist
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
