I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
