I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
