i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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