If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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