You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
