Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
