apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was born a porn star she said
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
