Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
