I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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