He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
