If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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