Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
