no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
