I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
