Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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